Sunday, August 11, 2013

A Thought on Trying... and Failing

Why yes, I did take this photo, and I am dang proud of it.
Hey femipeeps. I have a confession to make.  I kind of suck at getting work done. I'm in the highest classes, have been on the honor roll all through high school and got a 5 on my AP, yet I have been trying  to finish a relatively simple summer math worksheet for about three or four days.  Or should I say I've avoided completing a relatively simple summer math worksheet for three or four days.  I've always been an improvement driven person (hence the activism), and I've made lists, charts and calendars over the years.  I just wanted to put these feelings out into the universe and feel validated.

 I love learning, education, and all things intellectual, yet I struggle against procrastination, anxiety and just straight- up not wanting to do the work.  My version of "wasting time" is reading feminist articles and artsy blogs, but it doesn't mean I'm being any more productive than the next person. I just need to cut through the arbitrary stuff and get it done so I can spend more time writing on this blog and preparing for Winyan (the fabulous feminist club I founded, but more on that later), and engaging in activities I actually enjoy.  On an informational level I know what I need to do (ie. NOT GET ON THE FREAKING INTERNET WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING HOMEWORK), yet I can't seem to listen to reason.  I'm trying to get this all figured out before school starts because 11th grade is supposed to be Hell and I want to be as efficient as possible.  I want to learn how to plow through the BS to get to the good parts, and actually have intentional free time, not just stay up late because I kept going on the computer.

Maybe if I write down my guidelines outside of my own notebook, I'll actually keep them.  The internet is public and permanent y'all, so this is incentive. 

Ten Things I Want to Do to Improve Myself:
  1. Keep active: I want to do yoga three times a week and maybe even go on a couple walks.  That's the plan for the rest of this month, but I hope to sign up for a dance and/or yoga class in the fall.  When there's a lot of school work to do, moving around reminds you that you're alive.  
  2. Create regularly: My plan is to try writing a blog post every Friday and starting a craft project every Saturday night/ Sunday.  I'd also love to try and write a little bit in a journal everyday (either diary style, or a piece of poetry/fiction.
  3. Get offline: Okay, a lot of my goals overlap, but I need to do more offline activities.  It's nice to always be reading a book.  Books are food for the soul and do something that reading on the internet just can't do.  I also hope to take more walks, finish more craft projects, and bake more.  School involves so much abstract thinking that doing real stuff with one's arms and legs is very rewarding.
  4. Be more Jewisher: I hope to maintain a chevruta with m'main gurl Chavali, we'll be learning masechet Ketubot.  I want to spend more time learning Torah and exploring if being a Maharat (female orthodox rabbi) is for me.  Writing d'var torahs are actually really fun.  The idea is to inspire and be inspired. More prayer, meditation, learning and teaching.
  5. Eat Betterer: First of all, see number 1.  Second of all, I've been having an Eat Summer.  Ever have one of those? Basically, I just eat. a lot.  You get in the habit of taking an extra Hershey kiss and then taking an extra piece of pizza and nabbing another spoonful of rice until you just get to feeling puffy.  I don't have any major body issues so I'm okay with gaining some lbs, but I want to feel better.  Contrary to popular belief, eating a whole box of Oreos does NOT make you feel better. You're welcome.
  6. Get shi togetha: I know I'll never get myself to clean every night, but I'm aiming for a five minute mini- maintenance session about every night, with fifteen minutes on Thursday or Friday.  Also, I always forget to floss, I should get on that.
  7. Stay active: Unlike number 1, I mean this in the socio- political activist sense. I would be so awesome if I wrote an  article/op-ed/feedback letter once a month.  It's a really awesome way to show my social justice work more tangibly.  Plus between JOFA and NOW I have so many opportunities to do real, important work (maybe even volunteer???).
  8. Quit the Internet: This is different from number 3 because it involves when I actually have/ want to use the internet.  One day, perhaps not so far in the future, I pray that I will be able to go on the internet for school work without getting distracted.  Also, I will be able to set aside time on a timer for a certain period and ACTUALLY STOP WHEN THE TIMER GOES OFF. That is all.
  9. Be with people: As an introvert, I need m'space if I wish to remain sane. HOWEVER, sometimes I can hole myself up a little too much.  Here's to accepting invitations, going outside, and sitting downstairs.
  10. Accept: Trust me, I know that I can't complete all of these before school begins (or even start them!). But I've realized something over the past couple years and I thought I'd share it. Everybody's got their something.  Everybody has something crappy or terrifying or difficult in their life that is one of those hot button issues that assembly speakers talk about but no one else does. Depression, disability or debt, everyone has junk in their life that they just can't deal with.  I will never be the ultimate version of myself, but I can be the best version of myself that's possible now.  I wish I were more organized, efficient and mature, but I'd lose a little of my soul and personality if I wasn't so deeply interested in the topics that distract me from homework and chores (lawl, I don't do chores). My thought is that I'll take on one of these intensively each month and try to incorporate them loosely starting today.  I look forward to more awesome blogginess! And now, the video that I stole my motto from:

Love you guys (is anyone really reading this?),
Yep, I took this one too. :)

1 comment:

  1. im offended that you dont want to be my chevruta!!!!! i thought we were soul chevrutot?!?! lol its fine...i forgive you